Perhaps they'll listen now
by LoriHuCalmia
Summary: Dave Karofsky killed himself last night after Azimio decides not to accept him right away. Kurt, Santana, and Azimio don't expect it to hurt this much. Probably  a two-shot.  Written before On My Way.
1. How you suffered for your sanity

_This used to be called "Sam's Town," but since I plan to sing "Starry, Starry Night" at my friend's funeral, I'm putting that as the title. And yes, this will continually be marked as complete, but I might add more to it later._

_I know I should be working on Lucky Blurt right now, but on August 8th I found out that one of my friends had killed himself. He was someone I saw every day at school, a perfectionist, nattily-dressed, and unsmiling. I wrote this that night between bouts of crying because I couldn't sleep._

_The sad thing? I barely spoke to him. I wish I had. I wish I could go back in time and shake a reason out of him. I wish I could go back in time and force my younger self to talk to him. All the signs were there...and I missed them. Don't be me. If anyone you know (including and especially **YOU**) is considering suicide, please, please, **please**_ tell a counselor, a doctor, or someone who can help. No one has to suffer alone. No one should suffer alone. And the people you'd be leaving behind? You won't expect it to hurt so much.__

_Disclaimer: I don't own "Starry, Starry Night" by Don McLean or the show "Glee."_

* * *

><p><em>"For they could not love you,<br>But still, your love was true.  
>And when no hope was left inside<br>On that starry, starry night,  
>You took your life as lovers often do.<br>But I could've told you, Vincent,  
>'This world was never meant<br>For one as beautiful as you.'__"_

Starry, Starry Night

Karofsky looked at Azimio. This was it. This was the day. This was the most important reaction to him, so he wanted to get this out of the way first.

"James," his voice shook so much, it nearly broke, and he was afraid that it wouldn't last long enough for him to get his secret out.

"Why you sound like that?" Azimio asked.

Karofsky swallowed. "I have something to tell you and I'm afraid of how you're gonna take it," he said so quickly the words blended together.

Azimio looked at him appraisingly. "You don't have cancer, do you, because my Uncle Jonny had that exact expression on his face when-"

"I'm gay."

For a few seconds, everything seemed to disappear. It was as if there was a tornado, and the eye was Azimio's face, which twisted into an ugly expression. Still unable to see anything clearly but Azimio's face, Karofsky didn't realize until his back slammed against the lockers that he had been pushed away by his best friend of all eighteen years of his life.

Something sat on his chest and he couldn't breathe. Boy was he glad it was the end of the school day, because he definitely couldn't handle any more classes today.

He walked home, random thoughts entering his head. It felt like his brain was surrounded by water, blurring everything. Only random thoughts entered his head. Thoughts of how big that squirrel's tail was, how crunchy the gravel was. All the details of the world he had been too busy trying to destroy suddenly seemed to present themselves to him like they knew it was the last time he would pay them any attention.

The gun was in the safe. Tee hee, the safe. Guns weren't really safe, but they were kept in the safe. He didn't feel cold when he put it against his head. Nor did he feel any relief when he pulled the trigger. There was just nothing, like he had died before he ever got inside the building. His best friend of eighteen years had physically rejected him, and he knew it was going to hurt. He just didn't expect it would hurt so much, it would take away all hope.

* * *

><p>Azimio lied in bed thinking for a long time, knowing that Karofsky hadn't come in yet. He didn't know what to think. On one hand, homo. On the other, best friend for eighteen years. What to do?<p>

Oh, hell, eighteen years definitely overruled a two-second confession. Besides, if the PSAs were true, then it was something people were born as and he had always been friends with a f-a gay boy. He started to type out a text message, but decided that something this big needed to be discussed in person. He heard the door open and started to walk downstairs. That was when he heard it. It was the air being let out of a tire, it was so quiet, but the damage it caused left him anything but quiet on the phone as he screamed for an ambulance like a little girl. But Karofsky would never hear his screams.

Dave Karofsky killed himself. His best friend of eighteen years was dead because of something he was just a few seconds too late in saying. He didn't expect a few seconds to hurt so much.

* * *

><p>"Lopez," James' voice was not like anything else she had ever heard come out of his mouth, and Santana knew to leave her HBIC tone out of hers.<p>

"What happened?"

"Look, I don't know how to tell you this, but Dave? He was gay. He told me yesterday. And I know this isn't how you would want to find out, but he killed himself last night," James' voice was starting to draw a crowd, but Santana didn't particularly care. Her stomach twisted.

She pretended she didn't care. She made sure everyone saw her as someone who wouldn't be messed with. But she let Karofsky get under her skin somehow. What was that quote from that Harry Potter book Kurt's boyfriend was always going on about? Something about someone pouring so much of her soul into his that he poured some of his soul back? Yes, that was it. Lonely and hidden and bitter, they had shared something. And now Santana had no one to share it with.

She didn't expect that thought to hurt so much.

"Can we plan a memorial?" James was still talking. Santana snapped her mind back to the conversation at hand.

"Um, sure. I'll put something up online, see if I can get anyone else to join in and help out," _so I can go home and cry while they do all the work._

* * *

><p>Kurt found out about it on FaceBook first, ironically enough.<p>

R.I.P. Dave Karofsky.

Surprised, he scrolled down the page, reading all the comments of people who had loved the closeted bully. It was immediately clear that Karofsky had outed himself. There were hateful comments from the people who had been part of his crowd and not Kurt's, but then one comment caught his eye. It was Santana's.

"I wish I had known you were in so much pain. I wish you had said something. I wish I had seen. I was more honest with you than I was with anyone else, and I wish you had been the same way. I wish I knew why this hurts so much."

Kurt swallowed and closed his computer. He shakily drew out his phone and found over a hundred missed calls, mostly from Glee Club. But there was only one girl he wanted to talk to, and it wasn't Mercedes.

"Santana?" he asked when the ringing stopped.

"What do you want, Lady-face?" her voice was harsher than usual, but Kurt understood that she was grieving and felt that her grief was unusual.

"I need your help to plan a memorial," Kurt said numbly. "We're going to out him."

"He outed himself," Santana said. "He told Azimio."

Kurt sighed. "Let me guess, Jimmy flipped."

Santana sniffed, and her voice came out in a gruffer growl to compensate. "Azimio's already planning one. He wants us all to bring a candle and to wear something about football."

Kurt swallowed. He hadn't really known Karofsky outside of the bullying, but it was clear that the boy had been hurting just as much or more than he had been. Kurt nodded before remembering that he was on the phone and said something affirmative before hanging up. He turned his computer back on and went to the page. His fingers paused on the keyboard. What could he say?

He didn't have much to say. "I wish I had known you better, because then I would know why I'm so devastated. I might have said three civil sentences to you my entire life. I didn't even know you existed until high school, and even then I dismissed you as someone who had no feelings. Clearly, you did have feelings. And clearly, those feelings were negative. I wish I had known. I wish I could bring you back and shake you just so you could tell me why you did this. Actually, I just wish I could bring you back and shake you until you talked to me. Karofsky, you were making so much progress." No, he couldn't type that. He deleted the last sentence. "Dave, you were making so much progress. Why was that not enough for you?"

Before today, he had had a chance of not being the only out kid in the school, besides Blaine, who was getting enough flak from being in a relationship with him. Now he didn't, and he didn't expect that knowledge to hurt so much.

Kurt called Blaine next, and they talked until the sun came up. Kurt cried, endlessly. Blaine apologized, endlessly, and in the end had been driven over by his mother. The families spent that night going over every interaction any of them ever had with the kid Karofsky, wondering if they could have done anything different.

They all felt alone in their guilt while the entire town joined in, wondering what became of their fallen footballer.

* * *

><p><em>Looking over the lyrics, I can't believe I didn't think to call one of the following numbers.<em>

_1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)_

_1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)_

_Deaf Hotline: 1-800-799-4TTY (1-800-799-4889)_

_There are **ALWAYS** options._


	2. The Memorial

_Wow. I can't than you guys enough for the outpouring of love, support, understanding, and honesty I got from all of you guys. The reviews and messages (and the email from that one person who confessed to hacking into my account to get my email address) were just incredible. Ranging from comfort that was extremely touching to gratitude that the situation didn't evolve to suicide to survivors' understanding that kinda made me cry a lot, every single one of you guys showed exceptional courage and sincerity that will never be forgotten._

_Disclaimer: I don't own the song "Hold On" by Good Charlotte or the music video, in which the survivors share incredibly heartbreaking stories. I just highly recommend both of them and support the message so much, you have no idea._

* * *

><p>Hold On<p>

It was a very somber but surprised William Schuester who stood in front of Glee Club that day.

"Santana has something to say, everyone," he said quietly, knowing everyone knew what she was going to talk about. None of them knew anything at all.

_This world, this world is cold._

Santana stepped gracefully in front of Glee Club, all her defenses down. For a few minutes, everyone but Brittany was unable to recognize the fragile girl in front of them. If one of them looked at her the wrong way today, she wouldn't cut them down with a word and a gaze, she would wither away and die, if for no reason than because she would finally understand how Dave felt.

"I'm organizing a memorial for Dave Karofsky," she said.

"Why?" Finn asked. "He was awful to all of us."

_But you don't, you don't have to go._

"He was more awful to himself," Kurt said. When the entire club looked at him, he swallowed. "When I looked at him before, I could only see a bully. But now all I see is his pain," he admitted quietly. "You guys are my family, and you guys are an amazing one because you gave me a space to fit when I never had one before. And Karofsky, Dave, he never had that. When he admitted that he was gay, he didn't have a place."

_You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely._

"Whoa, Karofsky was gay?" Puck was surprised. "But he was so mean to you," he frowned. "Did he have some kind of sick crush on you or something?"

Kurt laughed humorlessly. Puck was closer than he could imagine. "Sort of," he admitted.

Artie shook his head. "Man, that is messed up. I can't believe he did that to you."

Kurt shrugged. _I can't believe he did that to himself_, he thought.

Mike suddenly took center stage. "Wait, is that why he killed himself?" he asked.

_And no one seems to care._

Kurt bit his lip. Why, why, why? That was the question everyone would ask, and they would ask him. Dave killed himself because the rejection of the person he trusted most with the information he had been terrified to divulge meant that no one else could possibly understand. His logic had been faulty, Azimio's reaction had been the wrong one. Dave didn't realize he was holding a live bomb, and Az-James didn't realize he was holding a lit match.

"It could be," Kurt said finally. Everyone wanted an answer, even if he didn't have one. "I don't know." _I don't know._

_Your mother's gone and your father hits you._

Will cleared his throat. "Guys, I think this is a good idea," he said, knowing that he was going to be the bad cop again. "I heard James outside and he said that he wants to show his support for his friend in death that he didn't get the chance to show in life."

"He shouldn't," Mercedes was upset. "If Azimio showed his support, he shouldn't wait until it'd be socially frowned-upon not to."

"Maybe he just didn't get the chance to," Santana snapped.

_This pain you cannot bear._

"Because you know so much about both of them?" Rachel was angry that her friend, an extention of herself, was being rebuffed. "You dated Karofsky! If anyone should have known he was gay first and offered support, it should have been you!"

"I did know!" Santana snapped back. "That's why I dated him!"

_But we all bleed the same way as you do._

Brittany walked down and hugged Santana and everyone seemed to understand a little more.

For Lima and the Lopez family, there would be no repeat of Dave tonight.

_And we all have the same things to go through._

* * *

><p>Kurt Hummel didn't know what he was doing in front of the crowd at the candlelight memorial. The Glee Club not fighting over solos was a first. Perhaps the world had ended. Kurt felt like his had, somehow. He had always believed that Dave, as the closeted jock and former bully, was proof that this world, so homophobic and intolerant, could change. But Dave refused, and when he finally did, he was rejected and killed himself. What did that mean for the world? What did that mean for every gay person who's ever wanted to be seen for something other than the gender of the person he or she loved?<p>

What did that mean for Kurt and his dreams? Amazing grace had eluded him, and it eluded Dave. He looked around at the faces of everyone else at the memorial. Would anyone here find the amazing grace they wanted?

No, and so he couldn't sing that song. Of course he couldn't. So he didn't.

_Hold on, if you feel like letting go.  
><em>_Hold on, it gets better than you know._

From inside the crowd, another voice joined in, a feminine one. Santana's raspy voice was surprisingly soothing.

_The days, you say they're way too long,  
>And your nights, you can't sleep at all.<br>Hold on._

Santana was the catalyst; the New Directions stood up.

_And you're not sure what you're waiting for,  
>But you don't want to know more.<br>And you're not sure what you're looking for,  
>But you don't want to know more.<em>

At this point, even Blaine's mother was singing.

_But we all bleed the same way as you do.  
>And we all have the same things to go through.<em>

Santana would deny she ever cried, but Kurt knew she knew he saw the tear that slipped down her cheeks when she spied Azimio standing up to sing with the Glee Club.

_Hold on if you feel like letting go.  
>Hold on, it gets better than you know.<br>Don't stop looking, you're one step closer.  
>Don't stop searching, it's not over. Hold on.<em>

Maybe it was because she had heard Dave sing before. Even if you're only the pretend girlfriend, you're privy to a lot of secrets. And Dave had a good singing voice. If only Puck would stop playing the guitar long enough for her to remember what it sounded like.

_What are you looking for?  
>What are you waiting for?<br>Do you know what you're doing to me?  
>Go ahead, what are you waiting for?<em>

He could have won awards for that voice. The thought of what might have been with Dave's voice didn't fill Santana with sadness, surprisingly. He would never have done anything with his singing voice anyway.

_Hold on if you feel like letting go.  
>Hold on, it gets better than you know.<br>Don't stop looking, you're one step closer.  
>Don't stop searching, it's not over.<br>Hold on if you feel like letting go.  
>Hold on, it gets better than you know. Hold on.<em>

Later, Azimio wouldn't be given any flak for having sung with the Gloser Club. Everyone saw him stand in front of Dave's grave, store-bought flowers. He looked at it, wondering if Dave would like them. He didn't know if Dave even liked his flowers blue, or purple, or yellow. Did Dave even like flowers?

He never asked. He didn't know. Now he'll never know. That felt like a tragedy to him, because it was such a simple question and a simple gesture that would cover up a gaping hole in his knowledge that would always be there, like the loss of Dave would always be there, and that was how he first realized that Dave was really, truly gone.

In the end, he opted for pulling some random flowers from the football field. Those flowers didn't get a chance to grow when vicious careless athletes trampled on them during the season. Maybe now they could bloom into something beautiful now that season was over, now that the ruthless jocks were gone. Dave would like that, he hoped, and Dave would like the effort. He liked football.

Santana and Kurt helped him. They didn't make up; it was too late for that. But they all lost something near and dear to themselves, even if it never really existed in the first place.

* * *

><p><em>I may or may not have watched Chris Colfer's "It Gets Better" video a gazillion times before I wrote this. Listen to what he says, please, because it really does get better. If you can't talk to someone you know for fear of judgment and you think it might be easier to talk to someone you don't think you'll ever see in person to be judged by, my email actually is pearlazalea (gmail), and I check it almost every day.<em>

_Also, for the hacker, please don't do that again. It was seriously creepy._

_I'm going to my friend's funeral downstate, so I won't be uploading anything this weekend._


End file.
